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emergency commissions

Sat Jan 15, 2011, 2:40 PM


Hello all,

I'm not one to offer commissions much, because I don't have much to offer in terms of work, but a friend of mine is in a pretty shitty situation right now, and I want to help, so I'm opening up a few slots for stamp or journal CSS commissions. Donations are welcome too, but I'm more than happy to work for the money.

This is one of those "pay first, then get your order" sort of things, and I'm sorry to do that to you, but the situation is a bit urgent. If you're interested, just send me a note with what you want, and send your payment via paypal to kenpachihitsugaya@hotmail.com. Thanks a lot, in advance. :heart:

Commission Rates

Stamps:
$1 will get you a non-animated stamp which I will host here on my account unless you prefer to host it yourself.
$2 will get you one animated stamp and one non-animated stamp.
$3 will get you two animated stamps and one non-animated stamp.
$4 will get you three animated stamps and one non-animated stamp.
$5 will get you five animated stamps.
Anything past $5 for stamps you get an animated stamp for each dollar from there.

Journal designs:
$10 will get you a simple design, with minimal coding/HTML needs.
$15 will get you a more complex design, with sidebars, headers, feature boxes...pretty much whatever you need.

I won't charge past $15 for journal designs, I don't feel my work merits anything past that, but I am putting them up for offer as well, should anyone want one.

  • Listening to: Namie Amuro - Break It

Break It (An Open Letter To No One)

Mon Jan 3, 2011, 4:45 AM

Listening to:


Namie Amuro - Break It
The Cranberries - Daffodil Lament

Places to go:


AnkartaKingdom
communityops
communityrelations
hq
LungCancer-Awareness
stamp-kingdom

People I love:


aunjuli
Oughter
Exillior
ginkgografix
GwenavhyeurAnastasia
Halatia
LadyLincoln
nycterent
Thiefoworld

Skin by ginkgografix


I am starting off the new year three days late by ridding myself of all of the baggage I'm still holding onto from previous years. You are more than welcome to completely ignore this, none of it applies to anyone as of the moment I click submit. I am moving on from everything that needs to be moved on from.

Mature Content'd for my sailor mouth.

An open letter to no one:

Stop. Stop it all, stop telling me what to do, stop acting like it's my fault that you've made plans involving me without informing me that they were made in the first place. It's not my fault you didn't come to me, it's not my fault they thought I was going to be there. I never said I'd be there. I didn't even know it was happening until you very kindly informed me the evening before that "oh by the way, we're going here tomorrow and you're coming with". No. I have plans. And even if I didn't have plans, I have my own thoughts and mind, and you are not going to be the one that puts my life in a box and takes it out whenever it's convenient, regardless of all else, thank you very much.

And while we're talking, here's a few other things I'd like to address. I don't appreciate being thrown by the wayside a moment after the fact. Or even during the fact, for that matter. The moment hadn't even ended, and poof, just like that. Forgiveness or not, that was some serious bullshit. If you treat other people this way (or continue to, given how things look now), you can expect to end up alone in a ditch. I don't know what makes your head tick, what makes you think acting that way is okay. I really don't. I tried to make sense of it, and you wouldn't talk to me. One of life's great ironies, of course. Even better, now that time has passed, things are exactly as they were before they started. What a waste of time. Thanks for that, wasting my time. If nothing else, I learned that I really need to stick to my first impression of a person because for fuck's sake I'm right every goddamn time.

On another note, quit making a mess of my life. I work harder and harder every day to keep my shit clean, to keep myself on track, and to find a good path to take, and at every fucking turn you are there to mess something up. How am I remotely worth that amount of time? Go away. Go do something else. Go make a living for yourself, do something I DON'T FUCKING CARE just stop involving me in it. I am making progress and that is fucking that. You are not my ball and chain, you are a leech. And there is no blood for you to suck here.

Leech. Yes, I said it. No I'm not taking it back. You know why? Because it's true. That's what you do, you camp out in the most comfortable place you can find and you fucking feed off of everyone and everything around you. And if someone starts to notice that, you play the fucking pauper. Surprise, surprise, asshole, that doesn't fucking work on me. The big differences between the two of us are that a) I'm not an idiot, and b) I turn into a fucking lion when you break my patience. I'd like to think I'm a pretty patient person. I try to be. The fact I can put off saying shit like this for nearly three years probably shows it, but for as patient as I can be, you make me snap and I WILL hold a grudge. Three years after the fact and I'm moving on, sure. I'm getting rid of the baggage. But if I ever see you again, I will punch you hard across the face, likely more than once, and you will STILL FUCKING DESERVE IT. I know a liar when I see one. I knew the liar when I saw it then, too. But I wanted things to work, so I tried. It's my own damn fault. One of these days I'll learn to listen to myself.

Listening to myself, yes. That is a great idea, and unfortunately I am inwardly deaf. If I weren't, I'd have known better to go down that road with you. I had my hesitations. I thought about it, I really, truly thought about it. And it nearly came down to the flip of a coin. But I decided to just let things happen as they happen, and fuck my life they happened just as I should've expected them to because I'm a fucking idiot. And you know what? I knew it as it happened, and I didn't stop it. I don't even know why. So yeah, that one's my fault, and I'm totally fine with that. I gave it a shot. You ended up being exactly what I thought you'd be. I should've listened to myself.

Fuck it. If there's one thing I've wanted to say for a really, really long time, it is that I am quite frankly fucking awesome. And for as egotistical as that sounds, the solid proof that I must in fact be fucking awesome is the fact that I lived through you. You, disaster, twister, sidewinder, it's a wonder any of us made it through you. But here we fucking are, and you...well, you're nowhere, aren't you? Nowhere. Always a place to go, but never a place to be, and you're stuck. Congratulations. You more than kind of deserved it though, didn't you? Surprise of surprises, we're not toys to be played about with, and after all this time, it still feels good to know that you're not going to be anything other than nowhere, because what is there for you but nowhere, at this stage?

Feh. Enjoy it, I suppose. No one else is going to enjoy it for you. And if you don't enjoy it, then I guess we'll all be on the same page for the first time, won't we? Funny how that works. Funny in a "severe head trauma via frying pan" sort of way, of course, but funny nonetheless. All on the same page because you'll be in the desert fixing cars at best and...we'll be driving along the same path we always do, going to the same places we always go, seeing the same people we always see.

This trip needs alternative routes. Or at the very least a better roadmap. I'm tired of this trip, go on your own. Life is calling you, yes. But life isn't calling me. Not from there. Life is telling me to stay here. So you go, I'll stay, and once in a while we can send each other a little postcard and pretend that we've got things to say other than "What the holy fuck were we thinking?"

Ah, life. Let's be done with these things. You're in a box on the side of the road with a small flower. Why a flower? Fuck if I know. So I can feel guilty about having lit the box on fire, and have it not be pointed at you. It was a perfectly good flower. Lively, innocent. But thinking about it, part of me doesn't like the thought of you dying with something beautiful, and fires on the side of the road are awfully cinematic. So we'll just put you in a box, hurl you into a cement mixer and see what comes out. Though, can't make anything other than sidewalks out of concrete. Least you'll be getting the stepping on you deserve.

I love the way the sunset here burns an orange phosphorous explosion into my eyes. It's not a winter night, it's not a summer breeze, nothing significant in terms of vacation pamphlets, nothing anyone with a sense of mind would care about, but it is just that moment when the sunset hits the back of my skull...and wants to come back out. Heh. I don't even know what I'm on about at this point. Sunsets are great, and this one's missing all of the key elements that would ruin it. Off in the distance where the sun is hiding in the dark so it can explode on its own, I hope you're secretly trying to explode with it. Something to do right? Our world was a quickly fading dream, and I'm okay with it continuing to fade. So fade out. Being a spark is all well and good, but you and I both know I was never made to ignite. So burn out, and I'll sit here in the dark until a new light finds its way to me.

Sincerely yours,
the desert monkey.

So, yes.

That felt quite nice. If there's one thing I used to love about blogging it was that it gave me the comfort to really work through my thoughts whether I shared them or not, and it also taught me how to be incredibly ambiguous. That last bit was more a side product, but ambiguity is nice when you're ranting about no one to everyone.

I honestly entirely recommend one of these journals for everyone. There is something incredibly empowering about letting every angry and spiteful thought out of your head all at once, and this gives you the chance to do so without having to offend anyone. 's quite nice that way.

Past < Future
Hello, 2011. Let's make this a good one.

  • Listening to: Namie Amuro - Break It

New Look

Sat Jan 1, 2011, 1:02 PM


Something refreshing about looking new.

Partly to move that last journal along, and partly to show off the skin that ginkgografix made for me, I figured I'd post a new journal. There's usually bigger gaps between journals over here, but really, can you blame me?

How things are:

Now that we're past the holidays, things are gradually looking up. While I'm not one to think of much change from one year to the next (at least, not right away), this year does have some promise. My parents always put a bit away from each paycheck for taxes, so hopefully there will be a decent tax return. The other thing is that they're trying to sell the van, which will cut our gas costs down by a long shot as well as give us a little bit more to work with. If I can get a job as well, that'll make things much easier the whole way 'round.

The problem with holidays is that while they make you wholly aware of what you do have, they also make you very aware of what you don't.

Thank you for all the comments on that last journal. I'm still not sure what made me post it, honestly. It just kinda...needed to be voiced, I guess. I felt better after it was gone from my head and my hands, and...

Well, I don't regret it. I suppose that's indicative enough.

  • Listening to: Namie Amuro - New Look
I wasn't planning on talking about this on dA, but I just...I don't know. I've talked with most of my friends about this already, but I don't feel like I've really voiced it.

Christmas went poorly. I wouldn't say so elsewhere, but while I'm never one to be spirited about holidays, the reason I was even less so than normal this month was because we can't afford anything. I didn't want things. I wanted it to feel like a holiday. I wanted it to just be normal, and it was so entirely far from normal. I'm surprised we could afford a tree. There were eight gifts under the tree, all of which went to my sisters. I didn't get anything for my parents, they didn't get anything for me. We couldn't afford it. The big gift this year was a used bike. My grandparents had given me a small bit of money the day before, and we stuck that in an envelope and put it in my otherwise empty stocking so that my sisters would think that Santa left me something too. This is what we've been reduced to.

It's not to say I'm not grateful. The fact we had anything at all means we could be worse, I know this. But after fifteen years of not having to worry about where the next meal is going to come from, heading back in that direction is a scary thing. I don't want them to have to go hungry. I don't want the girls to have to deal with that sort of thing. They're used to a comfortable life, and I want them to be. They deserve that much. But I don't know how much longer we're going to keep our heads above water. I keep hoping something good will come up, and once holidays are over I'm going job hunting, but...

Well, you all know me well enough by now. I worry about everything. I say "no worries" because I don't want people worrying. I know how the stress builds up.

Things aren't at rock bottom here. They aren't anywhere near rock bottom. I know this, and I'm holding onto this thought because I know I've been through worse. We've been through worse. But that doesn't make getting through it any easier.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for money, I'm not looking for much of anything, really. I just...need to get these thoughts out of my head.

Being at home is stressing me out, I think. I don't worry about these things so much when I'm not here, but I think the physical aspect of being here makes it hard not to notice. The floor in the garage is starting to mold because of all the rain we got the past few weeks, the lights in the kitchen don't work, and one of the locks on the door is completely broken. We can't afford to fix anything, with bills and everything else that needs to be paid for. After bills, food, and gas last month, we had all of $13 between the three of us. My sisters have money in savings, but we're trying our best not to have to use that money. That's for them, so they don't have to be stuck in situations like this later in life. I had savings, when I was younger. But I had to give it up so we could go on living, and I don't want them to have to do the same. Not like I had much saved up anyway, but it was just enough to get us through that month.

I keep hoping that the future that's supposed to be promised with education comes quickly, but I'm equally afraid that a) I missed my chance, and b) this education isn't for me.

I'm afraid. I am afraid. I don't know what else there is to be said, if anything, but there it is.

Part of me doesn't want to click submit, but...to hell with it.
  • Listening to: Florence + the Machine - Howl
I'm going to LA in a little under two weeks, and I am starting to really feel the potential that this trip could bring. Hard to believe a trip up the freeway could be so significant, but really...it's one of those things that could make or break my future, whether I know it or not.

I'm not feeling well right now, and I was trying to sleep, but I think my body thought I was taking a nap when I was trying to sleep through the night. So here I am.

I saw a bunch of people doing this meme, and I actually feel a want to do it myself. So here goes nothing. I think I'll do all ten at once, I don't feel like coming back each day. After this, I might write, since sleep clearly isn't happening at this point.

One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
:bulletgreen: I think sometimes she wonders where you are. I didn't know you, so I can't miss you, but you should know that when she wonders, it's probably out of spite.
:bulletgreen: Do not come near me, do not come near my family or my friends, or I will hurt you. You are an old ghost that no one wants to see.
:bulletgreen: Every time I look at how he is and wonder what's wrong, I know to look at how you treated him. It disgusts me, and honestly, I hope you don't treat her the same. He'll grow out of it, someday. I'll make sure of it, if I have to. He is getting better, day by day.
:bulletgreen: Please keep talking to me. I like it when you do that. It beats feeling distant and awkward.
:bulletgreen: If there's one thing I can be proud of that you haven't got, it's interaction skills. Sure, I'm not as good, but at least people like me. I can learn to get better. What do you have?
:bulletgreen: Thank you.
:bulletgreen: Things feel right. I can tell when you're happy, I can tell when you're upset. I don't like it when you're upset. Please don't distance yourself. It makes things harder.
:bulletgreen: Seeing you some eleven years after the fact, I can be proud of myself. I can be proud of who I've grown out of and who I've grown into. I owe so much to you for that, and you don't even know that you've done it. But thank you, all the same. I hope you keep growing as well. Adulthood looks good on us.
:bulletgreen: Every time you say you're nobody, I smile, and every time you say that I'm amazing, I frown. We're two sides of the same coin. You can deny your good and ignore my bad all you want, but for every good you ignore, I will point one out. That's what family does. We take the bad with the good.
:bulletgreen: You're gonna make it. Even if we have to go through these dares and challenges to one another every step of the way, you're gonna make it. It's easy to doubt, but really, you're too determined and focused for it to not work.

Two: Nine things about yourself.
:bulletgreen: Somewhere deep inside me is some confidence. I keep it in because I don't want my confidence to turn into cockiness.
:bulletgreen: I have no idea what life has in store for me, and I don't know at all what I have in store for it.
:bulletgreen: I don't know how I get by, sometimes. Barring a serious case of "universe is watching out for me", I can't say anything other than I'm lucky.
:bulletgreen: I'm not very good at getting into habits, which has its advantages, but I'm also not good at getting out of habits, which has its disadvantages.
:bulletgreen: I doubt everything. It's just that I doubt myself enough that the initial doubt of other things gets overridden.
:bulletgreen: I'm not very good at revising poetry.
:bulletgreen: I get gut feelings about people instantly. I feel bad when people are trying to connect and I distance myself from them, but I've regretted every moment I've doubted my gut instinct and talked to someone I felt weird about. Alternately, I love when my gut tells me to talk to someone, it usually leads to good friendships.
:bulletgreen: I listen to music because it gets my soul to explain things I can't otherwise put to words.
:bulletgreen: When angry, I become incredibly snarky. This is a coping mechanism because I'm also very non-confrontational.

Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
:bulletgreen: Don't be one of those people my gut tells me not to talk to.
:bulletgreen: Listen, hear, and understand. I don't say things for the sake of testing my vocal cords, I sing for that.
:bulletgreen: Be natural.
:bulletgreen: Being able to laugh at yourself.
:bulletgreen: Taking the good with the bad.
:bulletgreen: Being spontaneous.
:bulletgreen: Knowing how I'm feeling by the way I express myself.
:bulletgreen: Getting along with my friends and family.

Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
:bulletgreen: This isn't good enough.
:bulletgreen: I should get that done now.
:bulletgreen: I hope everything's okay.
:bulletgreen: There's not enough time to get all of this done.
:bulletgreen: Hopefully this goes over well.
:bulletgreen: Please.
:bulletgreen: I don't talk to people much anymore.

Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
:bulletgreen: Broken those CDs.
:bulletgreen: Spent that much money in one place.
:bulletgreen: Let myself open up to someone I knew I shouldn't trust.
:bulletgreen: Not listen.
:bulletgreen: Gone on stage without knowing the music.
:bulletgreen: Chickened out.

Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
:bulletgreen: Juli, Jenene, Nessa, KC, Aaliyah

Seven: Four turn offs.
:bulletgreen: Lack of personal hygiene.
:bulletgreen: Excess stupidity.
:bulletgreen: Dreadlocks.
:bulletgreen: Unhealthy body weight.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.
:bulletgreen: A good smile.
:bulletgreen: Someone who looks good dressed casual or dressed up.
:bulletgreen: An intelligent personality.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
:yawn: :work:

Day Ten: One confession.
:bulletgreen: I'm scared by the fact that I don't have dreams or goals the way other people do. I don't know what I want from life, at all.
  • Listening to: Namie Amuro - Chase the Chance (CC Mix)
Been a while since I've let out some serious thoughts, but every now and then something strikes me, so the first step I take toward sharing my thoughts with the world is retreating somewhere where the majority of people aren't likely to see it. I really am an introvert, aren't I?

I happened on Ayame-Kenoshi's journal and at first it seemed silly and funny, and then I thought about it. And I thought about it some more. Part of me wanted to post a journal just like it, but then I realized that I wouldn't be able to do so. There's never been a constant want in my life. I can't look back at my childhood and say "yeah, I still want that", I don't have anything like that. I never had wants or desires that lasted for an exceptional amount of time. Even now, I don't know if I want to be a writer. It's something I do because if I don't do it I feel like I'm not doing anything at all. I don't have dreams. I don't have ambitions. I just want to not fail, I guess. But I don't even know what it is that I'm trying not to fail at, anymore. I'm afraid of something I could be walking right into and I'd never know. I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know what I'm trying to avoid.

I feel like I'm constantly letting myself down, even when I haven't done anything to merit that feeling. Sometimes I do things to merit that feeling. At least on those days it's a deserved feeling. But sometimes I'm on top of the ball and I'm taking care of everything I need to, and I still get these feelings. I try not to let them bog me down, I really do. I'm a cheerful person, or at least I like to think I am, and I don't want people to feel like I'm constantly unhappy or anything. Most days I'm decent, at least. But some days it's hard to at least pretend I'm happy. Some days I don't know why I pretend I'm happy. Other days it doesn't feel like I'm pretending at all, and some days I'm happier than I have been in months. I don't feel depressed, though, at least not on average.

Some days I don't feel like eating, though. On average, I'll have one meal a day. Some days I have two, rarely I'll have three. I've tried to get myself into a regular routine of eating, but when I try to make myself have more than one meal regularly, it feels like I'm just chewing on whatever is in front of me. I don't taste it, I don't feel like it's doing anything for me...it just feels like baseless eating. If this is what anorexia is, then I guess I can see how people come to it. I'm trying to keep at least a bit healthy, but it's hard to eat when your body tells you not to and you don't feel very motivated to eat in the first place...

I haven't really brought this up with anyone. I don't feel sick, I don't feel depressed. I'm not losing weight and I'm not snapping at people, at least. I just...I don't know. I don't feel myself, and I haven't felt myself for quite a while now. Maybe I just don't know who I am, anymore. But then, if I don't know who I am now, who's to say I knew myself before? I certainly never had a strong sense of me. I just have a sense of things I like and things I dislike, and that's basically it. Is there more to the individual than that? If so, then I'm not really sure I've ever been an individual.

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to walls. Sometimes I can hear myself answering the questions I ask, but they aren't the answers I'm looking for because they come from myself. Walls aren't going to answer me, anyway. I sound crazy when I say things like this, but sometimes talking to walls has benefits. For example, while a wall won't reply, you can guarantee the wall has listened. After all, what else is the wall going to do?

I'm going out of my mind. I can see it happening, I can see the wall I'm going to run into and there is little to nothing I can do to prevent myself from hitting it. I sleep more than I should, or else less than I need, and I work on things I should be putting off while putting off things that need to get done.

I should stop now before I get myself in too deep. I'm typing with my eyes closed and it feels quieter in my head than it does in this room, where nothing is happening. I am convinced people go crazy because things go quiet in their head, not because there are too many voices.

More than all else, I just feel like I'm working myself to the bone while getting absolutely nothing done. Shame, really.
  • Listening to: Marina &amp; the Diamonds - The Outsider
I am in love with the concept of being in love, and this realization is scaring me. Nothing is ever quite so perfect, but I always want things to work out perfectly, and the concept of love as a whole really just feeds my perfectionism. I'm a bit afraid that I'm never going to be completely happy in that regard if I keep this up. How do I go about fixing it, though?

I move back into the dorm at the end of this month. I still have loan paperwork to fill out, a schedule to complete, books and dorm supplies to buy, two trips out of town to make. A roommate to meet. Part of me wants to be away from home, and part of me is more scared to go back this year than I have been the three years previous. I don't know why.

I am writing stories in my head, so many stories all at once, and nowhere to store them all. I can only write one at a time or else they all get confused, but there's so many things going on in there right now. One of them is making it to my fingertips, though, so I can at least say there is some productivity there. Haven't written a poem in weeks, though.

I feel so motivated to get the thing I wrote for Nano last year finished, but if I go back to work on it now, all of my current ideas will be lost, and then everything will go down the drain. I want to be able to say I have a completed first draft. I'm not close enough to the ending for that story, though, and I'm still working on the beginning for the one I'm working on now.

In the meanwhile another universe is forming in my head, one that was incubating, has been since October 2008, without me knowing. I am trying to let it grow without letting it go rampant. I like it, but I don't know where it wants to be yet, so I'm holding it back. We'll see where it ends up going later on down the line.

I am excited, stressed, nervous, afraid, terrified, unsure, exhilarated, and scared. Of what, I'm still not sure. There is just future ahead of me, and I'm not sure how much longer this will keep up. School is starting to get in the way of living, and this worries me. I want to finish school. But I want to live while I can, as well.

I have quite seriously considered throwing away my current living conditions two times now. I'm not letting myself go there yet, for my own sake, but I have considered it. One of the two seemed highly illogical, which is why I've since ignored it. The other was fairly reasonable, but I couldn't finance it with my current state. In a year and a half, it won't be throwing away my living conditions, though...it'll be planning for the future. Waiting is difficult.

If I keep on like this, I will seem like I have no ambition. I have tons of ambition, I just...need to figure out where the correct ledge to step off is. I don't want to take a step that will pan out poorly at a stage like this, it'll only end badly for me.

This all must seem so cryptic, but the details really just bog my thoughts down. I hope this makes some form of sense.
  • Listening to: Steve Reich - Eight Lines
I am seeing myself in two ways lately, and for as much as I've known all along that both sides are there, it's strange to finally address it when I've avoided it all this time thinking it wasn't something I needed to address.

On the one hand, I am a very public person. I love talking to people, getting to know people, and being engaged in my situations and surroundings. More than anything in that regard, I am a people person. When I'm being talkative and active with other people I am a sort of secondary person. I prefer to help other people, I like to make sure that things are going well for others and I want to push people to succeed as far as they can. When I think about it, the best way to put it is that I'm not a "main character" sort of person. I'm very easy-going, and though I am driven to get things done, I'm not an exceptional tour de force in terms of leadership and being the center of focus. I'd rather be the right hand man sort of person, if that makes sense.

But there is the other part of me, the part of me I tend to neglect and forget about because it's really easy to do so when you're in my position. My sister performed in an elementary school production of Beauty and the Beast back in April, and mom and I were talking about it a few days ago. She said that it was something I would have excelled at and that she wishes I had had the opportunity, because I would have been the lead character if I had. I promptly told her that I'm not a main character sort of person, and she replied that back then I was the loudest singer, the one always getting the music awards, and that I was different then than I am now.

To be honest, I don't think much of it, because I'm accustomed to not being the center of attention sort of person. I prefer not to be. But there is that part of me that dreams about being successful and winning big awards, and every now and then it comes out. When it does, I tend to fight myself over it, which is something I am quickly starting to regret. When that part of me does come out and I start wanting to push myself to be an individual and successful in my own right, I start acting differently.

It's not something I mean to do.

It's not something I mean to do.

It's not something I mean to do.

I have to keep telling myself this, because I really don't mean to. But when I want to succeed, my focus is on myself and nothing else. It's a horrible mix-up, wanting to be focused on myself and my work when there are people who are accustomed to my being around and other-centric. If this were the major issue, though, I think it would be an easy fix, as I can always tell when people are unhappy with me. However, when I'm focused on my own work and my own wants, it becomes hard to remember to breathe, to remember that I depend on others the same way others depend on me.

When that other part of myself wants to let loose and go, I become rude, snide, impatient, genuine, efficient, hasty, productive, and quiet. I turn into myself and become an insomniac, and things get done that are counter to my living healthy, making friends, being useful in the realm of immediacy, and talking to people without saying something I'll inevitably regret later. In a way, I become incredibly socially awkward.

In order to succeed, one has to make sacrifices, sure, but it feels strange to 180 like this, even knowing what it is. There hasn't been a happy medium for me at any point before now, and there's not been any sign that I've been getting any closer to one or the other being permanent.

And then there's the whole "might not succeed anyway" thing, haha.

This all came about because Nessa's parents asked if I'd want to live in LA after I'm done with college. Because it's an artistic center, it would make a lot of sense for me to live there, and I do have an affinity for the city, for as much as I know my parents would be horrified to hear I actually like LA.

It's all still very much up in the air, but it made me think, and when I start thinking I go off on all sorts of tangents in doing so. I have to be up in seven hours and I don't feel tired.

The other part of me is working. I'll try not to be antisocial in the meanwhile, I promise.
  • Listening to: Frou Frou - The Dumbing Down of Love
I suppose the real beauty of the art of motion is what happens when you finally reach the point of standing still and you can appreciate everything that's passing you by and has already passed you by. When moving it's hard to tell what's passing you and what you're keeping up with, but the more I sit here the more I know that I've been passed by a lot of things, a lot of people.

One of my friends got her AA degree this past week. I was very proud of her. My cousin received his BS in something or other a few weeks ago, too. One of my closer friends is talking about going to London for post-graduate theatre courses. I think she'll have a blast.

I'm thinking about all of the places I don't want to work. I want a job (read also: need) and I have the motivation to work when I get there, but I think I'm stuck in a rut in terms of what I feel actually needs to get done. My last job experience was miserable. I really do want to be productive and have a paycheck, but after working stockroom on time constrictions that I'd never even heard of before, I think I'm just afraid.

It's a stupid fear, I know. I think it's just that the jobs I'm applying for are all physical work, where the sort of work I really do well is the intellectual sort of thing, where I can sit and think my way through issues. It seems strange to think I'd be any good at public relations, but I certainly feel more at home doing things like that than I do lifting boxes. Maybe I'm just applying for the wrong jobs.

But then, I don't exactly have public relations background, which doesn't get me hired much anywhere. Then again, on that strain of thought, my only work background is stockroom, so I guess I've got nothing to lose.

Shame no one's hiring for PR stuff. I'll keep an eye out for PR work during the school year, perhaps. For now, I just need a job.
  • Listening to: Andy McKee - Art of Motion
trees bend people breathe
leaves drink sap live
exhale stems and step
roots digging from toes
into the sky


Well, that was an interesting way to pass a few minutes. I haven't been here in a while, though I guess I really have been here the entire time. Life likes to keep busy. What was in this journal before really doesn't apply so much now, and I'd rather just be rid of it.

I am listening to Drifting and I am being reminded of all sorts of things that I haven't thought about in ages. It makes me want to write, and it makes me want to read, and it makes me want to go find an empty parking lot and sit there until the sun finishes setting. That probably won't make sense to anyone, but I have a thing about empty parking lots. I wish I could explain, but I'm afraid my reasoning for it isn't all that good.

If living is motion, then I am drifting right now. Not moving, but not really staying still, either. Life is confusing, and life is uncertain, but life keeps me from sitting still, even if I'm not really moving. Is it wrong to enjoy drifting?
  • Listening to: Drifting